Origin Story

Once a week (sometimes twice) I type a miniature essay on Facebook and as my finger hovers over the submit button I think, “No one will bother to read this.” So I make a bunch of edits and think, “Even less people will read this now.” And then I discard the draft and move on with my life.

Some time earlier in the week I had the following line of thinking: “Those thoughts and ideas still need to get out … and it would be nice to have a way to revisit them … I’m not particularly ashamed of my thoughts, just my overwrought way of talking/writing. Well, why not start a blog? They’re made for overwrought ways of expressing yourself!” So. Here we are.

I don’t particularly think anyone would actually read any of this. And that’s okay, I think. The truth is as open as I am in my day to day life I usually censor myself over an abundance of consideration for people’s time. And interest. And sanity. So even outside of Facebook there’s so much that goes unsaid.

Anyway, to sum up: Welcome to my Blog! I’ll be dumping my brain here. Read it or don’t read it.

31 Years

Well. I turn 31 in a few minutes. It’s not a particularly monumental age, but for whatever reason I’ve been thinking a lot about what I’ve learned about myself over the years. So, the following are my thoughts on what I know for sure about myself.

I’m silly

At some point (despite my internalized melancholy and tendency to brood) I decided that fun, playfulness and being silly are all virtues in and of themselves.

I’m difficult

I’m difficult company to keep, except in small doses. Really getting to know me is like training for a marathon. I have a lot to say, and will choose the most circuitous route to say it. Everything I say includes a preamble because I’m overly concerned with not just being clear but being understood. Also, I think words with more syllables are more fun to say, and since being fun is a priority for me I use big words alot. That adds an air of pretentiousness to everything I say. I sometimes fall into weird cycles of free association, especially with people I feel comfortable around. It becomes a game for my brain: interrupt with complete nonsense that is syntactically related to what is being discussed. It’s exhausting for me as much as for others.

I’m a humanist (mostly)

I really like people! I truly truly think everyone has something to offer, something worth knowing about. Somewhere in anyone’s mind or in their past is something worth celebrating. Consequently, I don’t think anyone is trash and I find the phrase offensive. Dismissing someone entirely without any expression of regret or moral pains seems extremely callous to me and it is a mindset I just can’t fathom.

I can be judgey

I do still judge people, even though I still like people. Mostly I judge people by how curious they are about others, whether they value process/choices or outcomes/results, and how concerned they are with being kind. Incidentally, you can find out about all of that stuff based on how someone talks to/about homeless people. This has become a major way that I categorize people in recent years. There’s plenty more, I’m sure. But those are the big things. I left out most of the stuff related to mental illness, I’m still not sure how fluid a lot of that is. In any case most of the above can be chalked up to neurosis anyway. Ultimately I’m glad to be alive and to be the person I am. For all the challenges of having to live with this brain, I have enjoyed the journey learning about myself. Here’s to another year!

Going back to the Pokémon world!

“In less than a week, I’ll go back to a world I belong in.” That thought popped into my head late at night as I anxiously fretted about people, the world, and how I fit in (or don’t) with either of them. I was startled by how true of a statement it was.

In the Pokémon world, you play a protagonist who is eager, kind, and always willing to help. These traits are not rare in the Pokémon world – in fact there seem to be more outwardly kind people than apathetic ones, and certainly there are few legitimate bad people. Despite how common they are, acts of service and kindness never go unnoticed or unappreciated.

In the Pokémon world, ideas like companionship, friendship, and togetherness are built into the fabric of society. You can walk up to anyone and ask how their day is going. Every public park is full of people willing to engage in a social and physical exercise that will improve each other’s qualities as a trainer.

In the Pokémon world, there are no sarcastic social media posts about wasting energy helping others. No one admonishes you for being too open, or implores you to keep your guard up. The only ones pushing cynical views are those who are clearly bad guys. Cynicism itself is as much an enemy in the Pokémon world as the various gangs and organizations trying to steal Pokémon for their own ends.

In the Pokémon world, you can be as obsessive as you like. No one would bat an eye, if you said you absolutely had to catch every Pokémon in a patch of grass before you could move on to the next town. No one would mock you or roll their eyes if you were really hyped up about the stats of one particular Pokémon you just fully trained.

On the flip side – you can go through the game with one Pokémon and not catch very many. That’s just as valid a strategy. You don’t even have to care about stats, or know how to influence/change them.

The Pokémon world is a place where everyone can be themselves and not only succeed, but be welcomed and treated with warmth and acceptance. It’s a place where even a weird obsessive nerd who’s only social skill is to be kind and polite can still thrive.

I can’t wait to go back!